ghost in the machine. / by John Benitez

5d3 + 100-400 f4L /// Las Vegas, Nevada.

5d3 + 100-400 f4L /// Las Vegas, Nevada.

You win some, you lose some. That's what I tell myself when my life is a mess. You go through life trying to mitigate all the damage you cause by just taking up space on Earth and you being you, hoping that someone, anyone, will take you and all your imperfections in. You hope that they see you for who you are, not what you've become. You hope that they become the life support that you need to stay alive. You hope that the soul that once burned bright inside is still lurking among the embers, given just enough oxygen to not be snuffed out. Time and time again, strong winds blow hoping that this will be the end of you, but yet there you remain. Battered, beaten, hurt, but you remain. Holding on to that glint of light that you once saw before the clouds rolled in. There you remain. There you will remain.

Then you begin to see yourself as how people paint you. The compromise, excuses, and fear start to creep in, as if they ever left. They have made a home for themselves in you and become your dependency and an unsolicited touchstone. What can you do about it? What have you ever done about it? You claim at one point that you conquered mountains, but they ended up mole hills. Small feats of strength in an exasperated landscape of false thought. Bargaining, hoping, praying, lying...drugs to ease the pain, to take the edge off. But yet the pain remains. There you remain.

So you soldier on, how you've always done. Alone in the journey despite best efforts. The burden around your neck is too much for others to bear. A junkie to your own fear. Addicted to the loss. The high of disappointment. The withdrawal of comfort. All in the mirror with rolled up dollar bills. You wasted your life and your own time. But you can't break the cycle, because without it, you would be nothing. So you draw the needle of discomfort and plunge it deep into your veins. You feel the rush coming, almost bursting, climaxing, euphoric in its irony. But this is all that you have known. So you take your orders and march ahead.

You win some, you lose some. This is what I tell myself when my life is a mess.